Taking Charge of Change in Life

Change is one thing we can always count on in life. Sometimes it comes fast and swift and other times change sneaks up on us. Change also varies in that it can be a good change that we can be grateful for or a bad change that negatively impacts our life. As a new semester is starting for my teaching at the college I found myself thinking about change. Also as my daughter begins college this is a change in our family life and her life.

I found myself pulling off my bookshelf a book I had read years ago, You Can Excel In Times Of Change by Dr. Shad Helmstetter. I want to share today just a few of his ideas on how we can make the most of change in our lives. The important part of change is how we react. All change has an impact on our lives either bringing good feelings or debilitating us. Loss especially in death of a loved one is a change that is hard to let go of. Especially when the death is unexpected -- the change of having that person gone can create a shock that is difficult to overcome. In the same vein job loss is a difficult change to overcome. There is a sense of life is not fair that can take over and hold people in responding to the change by negatively keeping stuck in the pain.
Dr. Helmstetter in this book brings out that many of the changes that occur in our lives when we look at the causation, is often out of our control. But the outcome of the change is controlled by our choices to be responsible in the face of change or irresponsible and staying stuck. He brings out the point that people who make it a habit of being responsible in their lives handle changes better. Those who hold on to excuses and blame often stay stuck longer or go backwards when faced with change.

A key element in our response to change is our attitude. Again we may not be in control of the change agent that affected our life. In response, though we have a choice to shape our attitude in a positive or negative way. Our attitude is a powerful force we can control to make good come from even the worst changes that may occur. Successful people and people who overcome great odds when their lives are examined; their success comes back to the positive attitude they carry in their life.
To excel and take charge of change Dr. Helmstetter encourages the reader to go beyond attitude to change your perception to the resulting future of your choices about the change. Write down and create mental pictures of the next steps in your life journey beyond the change. List the positive things that you want to move towards. Create goals to go after what you want to gain for a better life. If this is not done he says we can stay stuck in what he calls just an average life, just ok. Not a life that is succeeding.

Dr. Helmstetter gives a couple of examples of what he is getting at. He describes a couple that move their mother-in-law in with them with an initial attitude to get to know her better. But in not moving beyond attitude they begin to resent her being there and life turns negative. A young woman takes French classes with an attitude to learn so as to travel to Europe. She never goes beyond the initial attitude and never travels. She keeps a nagging regret of why she took the classes in the first place. So there needs to be a choice to move beyond being stuck by changes. A choice is needed to move beyond living just average or what I call living more than ok.

Reflection: What changes are you facing in life? Is it a new change or a change from the past still holding you? Reflect on your attitude about the change. List what can happen if you choose a positive viewpoint of the change. Create a mental picture of future positive possibilities you can move towards in your life.

Accepting Our Humanness

Many times in life we are too hard on ourselves. Thinking we should be the perfect student, perfect worker, perfect friend, and perfect mate. In a recent course I took on the Foundations of Positive Psychology the lecturer Professor Tal Ben-Shahar numerous times repeated the phrase, “give yourself permission to be human.” What does that mean? I thought back to a student who had almost a nervous breakdown over a poor grade. It turned out the student had started out the first semester with all A’s and then one class the next term started to slip which caused a spiral down in other classes. Why? Because the thinking that all A’s was the way to be. There is nothing wrong with all A’s but to hold oneself to that standard can cause inner turmoil and suffering. That is the tragedy of perfectionist thinking.

We ignore our humanness to our detriment when we pile up should and musts on ourselves in a unrealistic manner. I must have this job to be happy. I must have this person as my friend to be happy. I should get all A’s to prove I am a good student. When I discuss more on the issue of goals I will share how I believe we should dream big and aim for big goals to accomplish possibilities in our lives. Yet on the human side we should not beat ourselves up if we don’t fully reach our dreams or goals. But more on that later.

Accepting our humanness can be capsulated in this quote by Reinhold Niebuhr: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference." Being human is being content in areas that we cannot change. I cannot make someone like me. I can try to be more likeable. I cannot make someone hire me for a particular job. I can do my best in the job search and try to be creative in a competitive era of finding work. So on this journey in life understanding what we can change and what we cannot helps with the anxieties of the musts and regrets of should’ve and could’ve thinking that overtakes us. How much wasted potential is there when we dwell on the regrets of what we think could have been if we had that person as a friend or that job or whatever…? As a Christian minded person I do agree with Niebuhr that in prayer we need to seek for wisdom to think critically over these issues in our lives for the right choices.

As the acceptance of things brings contentment and a life regret free; also the things we can change; we need to take the risk to change them. If meeting new people is important to you than trying out new venues of meeting new people such as volunteering for a social cause, taking continuing education classes, being involved in church or synagogue may be a new helpful change . If looking for a new career is an option then seek out a career counselor, polish up your resume, or start networking.

Accepting and understanding the need for change are things with we can do in our humanness. What makes these effective in our lives is taking responsibility. As I stated earlier I cannot change those who work with me. I cannot change my family members. I can only change me and that is my responsibility and choice. In Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, (must reading), he says, “In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible. Thus, logotherapy sees responsibleness the very essence of human existence.” So acceptance of our humanness is being responsible in our relation to God, ourselves and others.

Reflection:
What areas of your life are things you cannot change? What areas of your life can you change to improve the journey you are on? What does it mean to be human to you?