Speak Life in Living More Than OK

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I’ve heard people say, “Words are just words; they don’t mean anything.” It is often said by those shrugging off cutting words that have hurt someone as a way to make excuses for talking in demeaning ways. Words have power. Power to hurt, destroy, bring pain. Also words have power to bring hope, life and joy. Many who struggle with negative self-talk that destroys their inner being learned those negative scripts from dark demeaning words from others towards them when they were young. Over the years they took those negative words to heart and believed them.

We need to understand the words we say can have a powerful effect for bad or for good. I want us to think about the words we say by considering a song by Toby Mac which reminds us of the power of words. Listen to the song and reflect over the words of the lyrics:

Speak Life by Toby Mac (click on the title to hear the song video)

Some days, life feels perfect. Other days it just ain’t workin. The good, the bad, the right, the wrong And everything in between. It’s crazy, amazing We can turn a heart with the words we say. Mountains crumble with every syllable. Hope can live or die

So speak Life, speak Life To the deadest darkest night. Speak life, speak Life. When the sun won’t shine and you don’t know why. Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted; Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope, You speak love, you speak... You speak Life,(oh oh oh oh oh oh) You speak Life. (oh oh oh oh oh oh)
Some days the tongue gets twisted; Other days my thoughts just fall apart. I do, I don’t, I will, I won’t, It’s like I’m drowning in the deep. Well it crazy to imagine, Words from our lips as the arms of compassion, Mountains crumble with every syllable. Hope can live or die.

So speak Life, speak Life. To the deadest darkest night. Speak life, speak Life. When the sun won’t shine and you don’t know why. Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted; Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope, You speak love, you speak... You speak Life,(oh oh oh oh oh oh) You speak Life. (oh oh oh oh oh oh)
Lift your head a little higher, Spread the love like fire, Hope will fall like rain, When you speak life with the words you say. Raise your thoughts a little higher, Use your words to inspire, Joy will fall like rain, When you speak life with the things you say. Lift your head a little higher, Spread the love like fire, Hope will fall like rain, When you speak life with the words you say.
So speak Life, speak Life. To the deadest darkest night. Speak life, speak Life. When the sun won’t shine and you don’t know why. Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted; Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope, You speak love, you speak... You speak Life,(oh oh oh oh oh oh) You speak Life. (oh oh oh oh oh oh) Some days life feels perfect.

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We all face differing environmental factors everyday of our life. We have good days and bad days. Sometimes the bad days are full of darkness. The song makes me think of what kind of words are coming out of me as I face each day whether it is dark or a sunny day? First of all am I speaking life to myself? Am I speaking words that inspire and bring hope? If I am dealing with negative self-talk I need to change the scripts and speak positive life changing. The late Dr. William Glasser spoke of the Quality World we build in our minds. Those are formed by are thoughts which are made up of words. Words then are important driving forces of our choices and behaviors.

Toby Mac is also telling us to move beyond ourselves to consider how our words can bring hope and compassion to those around us. If we are having a bad day know others around us may be in the same boat. As we revive new life into our day with the words we tell ourselves we in turn can help others around us come alive with hope-filled and loving words. As you go through this week think through the power of your words.

Reflection: Consider the words you use during the day. Do your words bring hope and love into your life and the lives of those around you? What is one way you can speak life to someone today?

Shaping The World With Our Choices and Lives

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Whether our life is going great, or just OK or maybe in a spiraling downward slump our choices and consequent actions shape the immediate world around us. You may respond with, “You don’t know what life just threw at me!”. I agree I don’t, but even with the dark discouragements of life we have the ability to choose how to respond. I believe it helps to know that how we respond can create positive change for the better in our lives and the world around us.

I have been listening for the past few months to the latest CD from Switchfoot, Fading West. As usual with all their projects it is full of fantastic music and thought provoking and challenging lyrics to think through. One song that speaks to the topic I am looking at this week is The World You Want. When the pieces of life are falling apart for us the song poses a question of “Is this the world you want”? Listen to the song by clicking on the song title and think through what the song is saying.

The World You Want (Click on the title to view video)

I'm pickin' up the pieces, I'm trying out adhesives
I'm trying to fix a place that feels broken, All my words have failed me
My voices don't avail me, I'm trying to say the hope that's unspoken
Is this the world you want? Is this the world you want?
You're making it, Every day you're alive
Is this the world you want? Is this the world you want?
You're making it

The world feels so malicious, With all our hits and misses
Feels like we're in the business of rust
It's when I stop to listen, All the moments I've been missin'
I finally hear a voice I can trust
Is this the world you want? Is this the world you want?

You're making it, Every day you're alive
Is this the world you want? Is this the world you want?
You're making it, Every day you're alive
You change the world, You change the world
You change the world, Every day you're alive
You change the world, Honey, you change the world
You change my world
You start to look like what you believe, You float through time like a stream
If the waters of time are made up by you and I
I could change the world for you, you change it for me

What you say is your religion, How you say it's your religion
Who you love is your religion, How you love is your religion
All your science, your religion, All your hatred, your religion
All your wars are your religion, Every breath is your religion yea
Is this the world you want? Is this the world you want?
You're making it, Every day you're alive
Is this the world you want? Is this the world you want?
You're making it, Every day you're alive

You change the world You change the world
You change my world Every day you're alive
You change my world Honey, you change my world
You change my world


Agents of Positive Change

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I would like to first list a few thoughts from Jon Foreman from an article he did concerning his thoughts on the song he wrote:

“It's a dark, self-indicting song to sing, because I'm guilty as well. I'm culpable in the state of the world. … Religion is an odd word to our ears. Words like religion, faith, and spirituality are often relegated to the irrelevant, obscurity of our childhood fantasies… And agnostic naturalism becomes the cold, sterile replacement. How could religion have anything to do with our post-modern, post-Christian world?

When Greg Graffin, Bad Religion's frontman, calls naturalism his religion, I think he's right. Your religion might not include transcendent elements, it might not include a long history of tradition. Show me your pocketbook and I will show you your religion. …You can talk all you want about your beliefs, but without action your fancy words about faith mean very little. Religion is best shown in the way we spend our time here on the planet. What you say you believe is not your religion, your religion is the way you treat the orphans and the widows here on the planet.”
- See more at:

http://www.ccmmagazine.com/article/song-by-song-jon-foreman-walks-us-through-switchfoot-s-latest/#sthash.RmWvAwID.dpuf

Jon rightly points out that our choices and thoughts must connect with behavior to make changes in our lives. As we make changes in our lives the song reminds us that we can have an impact in the lives of others in relating to them as they are going through times of difficulties. We need to be alive to be agents of positive living more than OK changes in our own lives and in the lives around us.

Especially in times where life feels like it is falling apart we need to quiet ourselves and take time to listen. Listen to what God is revealing. Listen to the question “Is this the world you want”. The thoughts in the song fit well with cognitive behavioral concepts in psychology. Think through the world you want beyond the present difficulties. The question also speaks in my mind to Dr. William Glasser’s concept of our Quality World which is the pictures we create in our mind of the perfect world we desire based on our values. Considering in the stillness new choices for positive changes and then decide to act on those choices in new behaviors is what the song is speaking of in my mind.

Religion Is Part of Who We Are

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One part of the song that captured my attention was the near the ending vamp with the repetition of phrases about “religion”. Coming at my worldview as a Christian I understand that the word religion has a negative connotation. We Christians like to state that Christianity is about relationship with God not religion. But in this song we are reminded that religion is one of the unique aspects of our humanity. The repeated phrases remind us that what we hold onto firmly in our beliefs as the most important is our religion.

In Jon’s comments that I quote about the song he alludes to the verse in James 1:27 “Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” (NASB). Jesus spoke in the synagogues so He was not against religion instead he was against hypocrisy in the religionists of his day. Religion is based on our beliefs but should also be seen in our actions in how we live our lives in an upright ethical manner and caring for those around us.

Reflection: What do you want your world to look like? What choices are you making to help make that happen? What is the basis for your “Religion”?

My Life In Relation To Living More Than OK

Several times in the past I have been asked what has my career as a licensed professional counselor taught me about life and my concept of “Living More Than OK”? I want to answer that question from the context of my overall career journey. So this week I will focus on my career journey then show how it connects to “Living More Than OK”.

Starting Point Library

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My first job was in my high school years in my hometown at Barberton Public Library. Of course, that was part-time and being a book head, being around books is what made that job enjoyable for me by nature. I could not have asked for a better first job experience of working with friendly people and being around books.

After high school, but before moving to Chicago for my Bachelor degree at Moody Bible Institute, I worked for a year at a company that made sample books for carpet companies as a shipping and receiving clerk. That was a 40-hour grind, but the people were wonderful to work with and the management was friendly. On that job, I did observe what I mention in my book -- the living for the weekend mentality. Through my observations it was for many of the workers, dealing with a boring work life and waiting for a short respite of entertainment on the weekend. Primarily, I saw how the bar scene created a self-inflicted cycle of living paycheck to paycheck for many people.

Chicago and Career Change

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I am a firm believer in considering careers, of Dr. Krumboltz’s Happenstance theory and Dr. Jim Bright’s Chaos theory of careers. I left Ohio and went to Chicago for college study; thinking and planning to go into Protestant church work. I finished in Chicago a Bachelor and a Master degree that related to religious work. Even though with my Master of Divinity at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School I began a serious interest in Counseling.

Then life events occurred to create a shift, as Dr. Bright calls them. I found myself in customer service work at a variety of companies in the Chicago area. This allowed me to see the same life pattern I had seen in the Ohio company. The pattern of people living merely for a little fleeting happiness on the weekends. I always had wondered -- is the life of work, TV, and bars and clubs on the weekends the only reason we were created? Customer service is considered a mundane job of being in a cubicle on the phone and computer all day. Again, years doing that made me think that yes, it can be mundane, if that is your mindset, but all work can have intrinsic meaning and purpose. My longest position was with a textbook publishing company. Maybe working at a textbook company, some may think that is boring, but that company was helping to improve education. So there was meaning in being connected to such a company that was improving minds of customers around the world.

Further Career Change in Texas

In my final couple of years in Chicago I met my wife and we moved to Texas to allow her to follow her career journey. For me the move to Texas was where I was able to connect with my first job of helping college students in a Student Success department of Texas State Technical College in Harlingen, Texas. This was a job that I truly felt a passion for as it connected with my desire to counsel and encourage students in their career dream journeys. This position was an impetus to go on for a second Master degree this time in Counseling. At this point, I found myself being shaped by theories, such as, Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory that emphasizes the making of quality choices, which is one theory basis of my “Living More Than OK” thinking. Another style of Counseling theory, which is termed Solution-Focused, became important to me as it is very positive and goal oriented, which also in my book is a theme that runs throughout the thinking in it.

With a family move from deep South Texas to New Braunfels, Texas I continue to work with college students as an Adjunct Professor and I also do Counseling and Coaching. My continued work in higher education is one factor that has moved me to be working on a PhD in Psychology through Capella University. My studies there has reaffirmed my passion for Positive Psychology. My future dissertation will have some connection to the subject in a practical manner for people to live better lives.

So what does this chaotic, happenstance journey mean? A thread I have seen through my work life is that too many simply live as Henry David Thoreau stated, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” Through jobs that allowed me to observe that, those jobs helped to shape my passion with college students to inspire them to live out their song.

Of course my book’s compilation of essays is also an attempt to challenge on a larger scale more people to move beyond desperation and sing out the song inside them.

Reflection: What have you learned from your career journey over the years? Is your job just a job? Consider the meaning that can be found in your work by considering the big picture of how you help people, or the service or products your company provides to help people have a better life.

Winning The War On Drugs By Saying Yes To Positive Addictions

Recently I heard on the news an update that the Mexican Drug War death toll is now over 47,000. That made me curious to search drug related deaths in this country. I found at drugwarfacts.org that the number of drug related deaths in the USA during 2009 were over 37,000. Those numbers sickened me when I consider that it is all so senseless. The Mexican side deaths bother me as I lived in the Border Town of Brownsville, Texas for the past 10 years. I remember speaking with university students who came across the border for classes and they spoke of the fear of the kidnappings and random shooting violence from the cartels. Those deaths relate to the insatiable appetite for drug use in this country and the growing addiction problem that accompanies it. In my opinion those who use illegal drugs and support the use have the blood of these people on their hands.

Who are these supporters of drug use? A 2008 study(1), by a Professor at University of California , Berkeley showed a 6 fold increase in the glamorizing of drug use in Rap music from the 1970’s to the 1990’s. The Drug Testing Network discusses research that show teens are bombarded in TV shows , movies , and in the lives of their favorite celebrities that drugs are harmless and fun. Then there is always the common phrase “Drugs, Sex, and Rock n Roll” coined in a song by Ian Drury, an early founder of the punk rock music scene in Great Britain that reminds us that drugs have long been a big part of that music genre. Sad to say many of these promoters of drug use have been in and out of drug rehab or have died from drug usage.

Many supporters of drug use point to the failure of the “Just Say No” campaign years ago. They say it never made that big of an impact on drug use and as we have seen with the news on the drug war in Mexico; drug use does continue to climb. The problem I believe was with emphasizing just saying “No”. That usually never works. Just ask a parent with a little child. Say “don’t touch that” and what happens is that the child touches it. I believe we could stop the Mexican Drug war and the senseless drug deaths here in the U.S. if we would encourage people to say “Yes”. Not yes to drugs but to alternatives.

Dr. William Glasser in his book Positive Addiction turns the thought of addiction upside down. He points out that the word addict is thought of in the negative context of a life destroyed by drugs or alcohol. A person is weakly dependent on the substance to cope or escape from life’s difficulties in search of happiness. In helping someone give up alcohol or drugs the drug should be replaced with something to fill the void, otherwise relapse quickly occurs. Dr. Glasser promotes, that to fully strengthen people they need to build a positive addiction in their life. Find something that they enjoy doing to bring happiness into their lives. Some of the positive addictions he points out in the book are meditation, sports, music and other art forms.

He points out from his research that “…positive addiction increases your mental strength and is the opposite of a negative addiction which seems to sap the strength from every part of your life except the area of the addiction.”(pg39). If you think about it he is so right. Drug addicts are consumed by their addiction. There is often a negative effect in their work, health, and relationships. You don’t hear of someone with a positive addiction of gardening going on a 72 hour binge of tending to their rose garden and not being able to function in their work because they enjoy planting flowers. Positive addictions help to round out our lives so as to help us function better is other areas of our lives.

Dr. Glasser’s thoughts on Positive Addiction coincides well with an organization called Natural High . If every American would go to www.naturalhigh.org and consider building a Positive Addiction into their personal life there would be no more drug war here in the U.S. The Drug Cartels in Mexico would be out of business. People would then understand they don’t have to ingest chemicals by smoking, snorting, or shooting up with needles to find happiness and relaxation in life. The personal destruction could end if we all could see that through positive personal interests such as relationships, sports, arts, nature, spirituality we can satisfy the human experiential needs for happiness and relaxation with natural highs that come from positive addictions.

Natural High was founded by Jon Sundt, who experienced the death of two of his brothers due to drug use. This life experience impacted him to make a difference to try to stop the destructive force of drugs in the lives of people. Personally, I relate to his experience, as I never tried drugs although they were readily available in the 1970’s in my high school. That is because I saw my oldest brother, Paul, struggle first with alcohol addiction and then drug addiction so thankfully it never appealed to me. Mr. Sundt started his organization that primarily targets school age children through high school. They provide testimonials of sport and music celebrities, who can be considered real role models. They share how through their personal “natural highs” they enjoy life. They also point out how their success is due to not using drugs. These testimonials show drugs are not needed to enjoy life like the lies of rappers and Hollywood media stars who try to delude teens that drugs are exciting and the best way to really experience life. To me the Natural high website can be viewed by people of all ages to gain insight into the importance of finding a positive addiction to make their life more fulfilling. For myself, my positive addictions are my Christian faith, my family, reading, playing guitar, listening to music, and enjoying nature.

Reflection: List your positive addictions that help you have a natural high in life. Take time to journal why these are important to you and how did you get started with doing these things in your life.

1. http://berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2008/04/01_rapmusic.shtml

Pursuit of Good Habits

Living in a border town with all the news of the drug trade continuously brought me recently to think of habits. The senseless killings and lives destroyed stem from the demand of drug usage in the U.S. As a volunteer at a local Drug Abuse Center I have attended many drug and alcohol abuse meetings. Listening to the stories I hear of lives ruined due to the drug habit. Drugs and alcohol are bad habits as the regular use of a substance ruins the life experience of the user. Smoking cigarettes is another bad habit. I had an older brother who died of lung cancer due to a life habit of smoking. It has been good to see in American society fewer people smoking. Those who do should observe someone dying of lung cancer so they can rethink that habit.

Dr. William Glasser points out these habits come about through people’s wrong choices in searching for happiness. Their choice of drugs for happiness does provide initial good feelings but but in the long term in the stories I have experienced their choice of drug and alcohol habits leads to misery. Dr. Glasser in his book Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom states, “ If we can not create a society in which more people are happy, we will never come close to reducing these destructive and self-destructive choices,” (referring to drugs and alcohol).

Knowing the personal ruin caused by drugs and seeing in the news the thousands killed in the drug wars in Mexico upsets me when I see how Hollywood and some rock, pop, and hip-hop musicians glamorize drugs to youth. The lack of critical thinking in those who want something that destroys people legalized is sickening. In my eyes those who glamorize drugs and want them legal have the blood of the thousands of Mexicans and the thousands of ruined lives here in the U.S. on their hands. If only the media would place this truth in the face of those promoting drugs so people would stop using drugs. Then there would be no demand for drugs therefore no drug war. The drug cartels would effectively be out of business.

In the meantime what can be done to better create a society Dr. Glasser is speaking of in the previous quote? Positive psychology is about presenting life principles to help build up happiness in people without having to turn to drugs. I see in positive psychology the emphasis on building up positive natural highs instead of chemical highs. Also as I have mentioned from my Christian viewpoint, I believe living a life that focuses on the spiritual helps in promoting natural highs as well, As we create habits that are spiritual in nature instead of popping pills and snorting chemicals into the body we can live happier and more fulfilled lives.
It all goes back to the habits we have in our lives. I had a sociology professor in Chicago who started out each lecture reminding us that humans are creatures of habit. Practically all we do in life relates to our habits. We take the same roads to work. We park in the same parking spot and become upset if someone is parked in, “our spot”. I enjoy mentioning to students in my university success course there is no seating chart like in high school but if they notice they usually sit in the same seat each class session – habit. I had a Professor in graduate school one night after three weeks into the semester tell everyone to get up and change seats. Everyone was initially frozen as no one wanted to give up “their seat” – habit. So if we are honest habits control much of our living.

To have a more than ok life, to maximize our living, to build natural highs into our living, we need to evaluate our habits and make choices to create good habits in our life. Jack Canfield in his practical book on life success, The Success Principles, has this to say about habits. “Negative habits breed negative consequences. Positive habits create positive consequences.” I have never met anyone who admits to wanting negativity in their lives. Yet look at all the personal problems and relationship problems in life. Through personal choices many are creating negative habits with ruinous results in their lives and lives of those around them. So a bad habit is an activity ritually being done that is causing negative effects in your life. To get rid of the bad habits we need to choose to replace them with something else. That is one reason habits are hard to break. People just stop the habit. Since there is nothing to fill the void the person rushes back to the bad habit often defeated and building negative self talk of. “Well I tried and failed so I guess I just can’t stop”. So before stopping have a positive habit ready to take its place.

IF you look into new habit creating on the internet most statements point to the need to do something 21 days in a row to create a new habit. I remember in a Positive Psychology class I took the professor emphasized make a commitment for 30 days to get the new ritual habit firm in your life. So if you feel your are negatively affected by spending several hours a night in a habit of watching tv you may want to create a couple new habits of exercise and painting to fill up the time. Think of things you would enjoy doing that will have positive consequences in your life.

Reflection
Are there any negative habits dragging your life down to just ok existing? Write down two new habits you would like to begin in your life to better improve you daily experience.

The Importance of Choices in Our Lives

Recently I received an email comment on my posting Our Humanity Messiness and Choices. You can read the comment at that posting. The person rightly pointed out that some messes occur due to our being locked up by our holding onto false beliefs generated through culture, society, religion, family, and ect. The commentator then used the example that men often do not go for help with problems due to the false beliefs that they should be strong and figure it out by themselves. A false pride in self; which is only fear of breaking free from the belief controlling them. The email ended with victory in the power to choose to free oneself of the fears of false belief. So I wanted to look more at our power to choose.

We can face fewer false beliefs if we challenge them with critical thinking skills I mentioned in the post Living More Than OK By Using Critical Thinking Skills. I will discuss more on that topic as well in the future. Yet even using critical thinking is a choice we must make. I mentioned power along with choice. “The greatest power that a person possesses is the power to choose” J. Martin Kohe, (author and psychologist). We have amazing power for good possibilities and bad in our lives based on the choices we make. Hal Urban in his book Life’s Greatest Lessons says, “…we all have the potential to do more with our lives. Every human being is capable of making great strides in self development and major increases in achievements.” As I have mentioned before that is a driving force in my starting this blog --the desire to help people maximize their potential and possibilities in life.

Too many people fail to reach their potential because they feel they do not have control. They fail to see that each day is full of choices that affect our present and futures. Sure there are the flat tires that come in our lives. No one wakes up choosing to be stranded on the side of the road with a flat. Even then we make a choice to get out of the car to fix the flat or call Triple A to fix the flat for us. I am a firm believer in Chaos Theory. Happenstance happens. Yet when the stuff of life we cannot control come crushing in we still have a choice what to do in response. Even the response of allowing ourselves to be crushed by the circumstance is a choice. Been there, been crushed and don’t recommend remaining crushed for a length of time.

To maximize our living we need to see the positive choices we can make each day. Even to make lemonade out of the lemons that drop into our lives. One of my favorite Psychological theories, ( probably because I believe in the power of Choice), is Choice Theory by Dr. William Glasser. A central aspect of Choice Theory is the belief that we are internally, not externally motivated. While other theories suggest that outside events "cause" us to behave in certain predictable ways, Choice Theory teaches that outside events never "make" us to do anything. What drives our behavior are internally developed notions of what is most important and satisfying to us. … Another major concept in Choice Theory is the notion that we always have some choice about how to behave. This does not mean that we have unlimited choice or that outside information is irrelevant as we choose how to behave. It means that we have more control than some people might believe and that we are responsible for the choices we make. (from www.choicetheory.com). What is going on internally in us is more important than the externals that affect our life journey. We are responsible to make the best choices for our good and for those traveling on the journey with us.

I like Dr. Glasser’s thinking, as the quote states we do not ignore the external information. If I have a flat tire I don’t ignore it and keep driving. “ My the road sure seems to be bumpy!” Of course it is not the road it is the flat tire. If I ignore the external, the small problem of the flat tire turns into the big problem of a smashed rim and broken axle. That bigger problem was the result of my ignoring the small problem. So by understanding the power of our choices we can maximize our living and sidetrack many of our problems which are results of poor choices or choosing not to choose.
As you wake up each day understand that you, not others are in control of your choices. Make the choice to make choices that will be the best for your life journey and for those travelling with you. “It is the big choices we make that set our direction. It is the smallest choices we make that get us to the destination.” –Shad Helmstetter-

Reflection:

Do you take the time to use critical thinking in the choices you make?
How do you respond to the external flat tires in your life?
Are there some choices you need to make that may bring new possibilities to your life journey?