Songs Can Help in Relationships

This week I am moving away from the topics of reading and books to music. In the past I have based many blogposts about certain songs. Last week I attended the American Counseling Association conference in New Orleans. One of the sessions I attended related to music as a tool in therapy. The session was entitled, “Using Popular Music to Promote Healthy Adolescent Relationships”.

The session shared how music can be utilized in helping adolescents who are dealing with troubled personal relationships where they are being controlled and/or facing violence. For many teens music holds a powerful influence in their lives. Various popular songs can aid in opening up important issues in counseling that teens are facing in relationship difficulties with negative boyfriend or girlfriend relationships. For example negative popular songs such as Issues by Julia Michaels or Jealous by Nick Jonas can aid in discussion of some of the negatives within their relationships. On the other hand positive songs like Congratulations by Ne-Yo or Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran can help in discussing good things they can grow within their relationships. Of course the important thing is to find songs that adolescents will enjoy and be able to relate to in their hearts and minds. It was suggested to first find out what music the teens are interested in. That is often one topic I discuss with teen clients so I know what music will work with them.

In my counseling I often use motivational music with teens and relational music with couple counseling. Music is an effective tool often with most people from children to adults. As my family and I were driving back to Texas we were listening to a CD by Danny Gokey. One song, Better Than Gold made me think of this particular session. It is a song that speaks of a romantic relationship. As in the past if you click on the title of the song I have it hyperlinked to a video of the song. Listen to it now and think over the words.

Better Than Gold by Danny Gokey (click on the title to hear the video)

The day that my whole life changed
Was the moment I laid eyes on her
The way she took my breath away
I fell so hard in fact it hurt
She made me feel just like I discovered
Something precious and rare (so rare)
Made me come alive
Took me from my zero to a millionaire
Chorus-
She's like the woman I need
She makes my world complete
She snuck right out of my dreams
I know she's better than gold
She makes my life so sweet
Special delivery from heaven straight to me
I know she's better than gold

She's mine, all mine, she's better than gold
She's fine, so fine, she's better than gold
She's mine, all mine, she's better than gold
She's better than gold
All my friends are saying, "slow down"
There's so much treasure I have left to see
But she's got me sold out
I'm richer than a man deserves to be
She makes me feel just like
I discovered something precious and rare
Perfectly designed, she's a living work of art without compare
(back to chorus) from https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dannygokey/betterthangold.html

Gokey’s lyrics speak of a love where he feels blessed by being in relationship with his precious and rare woman, “I'm richer than a man deserves to be, She makes me feel just like I discovered something precious and rare.” That phrasing made me think over how better our relationships with our significant partners could be if we viewed the partner in our lives as a precious commodity such as gold. He feels richer in his life because of his relationship with his “better than gold” partner. If we view the significant person in our life as precious we will honor, respect and love them.

We can see his infatuated love in the lines, “She's like the woman I need, She makes my world complete.” Those are good lines to remind someone in a relationship to temper their thinking, in not to expect the other person to make their lives complete. No other person on this earth can make ourselves complete. That is too much of a burden to place on another person. I encourage people to instead work on building up themselves so they are not relying on the other person with too high of expectations. Of course regular readers, know I come at life from a Christian worldview, so those of us in this tradition seek to find personal completeness in Jesus Christ. When I counsel someone of another religious faith tradition I encourage them to find their completeness in their God or Higher Power. Then those of no particular religious perspective I encourage them to build up their self-esteem so they can give to their partner, rather than attempting to gain their self-esteem from their partner.

Music is a powerful medium that we can use for self-growth but as the two professors shared in their research, music can also be of help in thinking through and growing our relationships.

Reflection: What take-away do you find for yourself from the song, Better Than Gold, for your relationship? Think through the songs that are your favorites. Do any of them speak to relationship issues? Take time to look over the lyrics of your song to see what insights you can gain.

Reach For Something More

Is it alright to want more than just existing in life? People become trapped in mediocrity living the sameness of a Ground Hog Movie day life. Doing the same thing over and over again. Waking up, going to work and watching the same dull tv shows or lame internet videos. Do we dare to try for something more?

The fear of the scariness in trying something new keeps us from stepping out into a new direction. We become out of touch with our dreams and passions. We can even become so downcast to think, “Maybe I don’t deserve better.” The issue is we deserve the best life possible. There are many things we can do to enrich and grow our lives and new possibilities for our futures.

This brings me to a song I heard that has a powerful message about being open to our dreams and to changes in our lives. That it is good at times to try to reach for more in our lives. It is ok to ask for help in improving our lives. The song is Maybe by The Sick Puppies. I know, I had the same reaction to the name. Who would call themselves The Sick Puppies? But be open to the message in their song. As usual you can click on the title to activate a video and hear the song as you reflect over the meaning of the lyrics. The video I chose was done by a young fan of the group.

Maybe -- Sick Puppies
Maybe I'm a dreamer Maybe I'm misunderstood Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should Maybe I'm crazy (Maybe I'm crazy), Maybe I'm the only one
(Maybe I'm the only one), Maybe I'm just out of touch, Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change, And leave it all behind, I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try, So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more, To wanna live a better life, What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same, Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless, (Maybe it's hopeless), Maybe I should just give up
(Maybe I should just give up), What if I can't trust myself?, What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change, And leave it all behind, I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try, So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more, To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?, 'Cause nothing stays the same, Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change, And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change, And leave it all behind, I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try, So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more, To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?, 'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change, 'Cause nothing stays the same, Maybe it's time to change.

Thinking over what is being said in the song, we do not have to resign ourselves to a hopeless life. We can rise above the fear and aim for a better life. We need to make a choice to step out alone or by asking for help. We need to be able to trust that God wants the best for us. Step out with the dreams we have been given inside to go for new directions in our life pathway. We need to trust ourselves as we take that first step towards change.

I thought the young person who did the video spoke creative volumes about being brave enough to make a change for the better. Also she took the step for asking for help. In going for your dreams are you stopping yourself because of fear. Maybe seek help. Is there a close friend or someone you respect you can talk about the issue that is facing you? Or as a Counselor I would highly recommend you find a Licensed Professional Counselor in your area to help you through the transition period of change. The American Counseling Association can help you with this. They have a directory of Professional Counselors on their website.

Jesus often challenged people to make changes and not look back, as He said in Luke 9:2, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." The song says, “And maybe it's time to change, And leave it all behind”. We don’t always have to forget the past. But if it is something negative that you are holding on to and stopping you from a better life it is best to let it go. Then you are free to move on to that better life. Take some time to think over the reflection questions and move into some changes that will give you a better life!

Reflection
1. Have you ever felt this way in your life that the song is speaking of?
2. Why do people sometimes feel it is wrong to reach for something more than the routine of our lives?
3. What stops us from reaching for help to make the change?
4. What is one thing you could step out into and move towards to have a better life?